I SUCKED AT BEING PREGNANT.
I sucked at being pregnant. I’m a pretty fantastic mother, but for f*cks sake I sucked at becoming one. It took me two solid tries, the first of which I failed at 5 months in, and the second of which I just barely survived with a labor and delivery that left me with a hairline fracture on a bone in my spine, a ‘frozen’ bladder and some 2nd degree tearing in the netherbits. In total I survived 11 months (5 with my first pregnancy and 6 with my second) of severe nausea. Through the months of recovery that followed the slightly traumatic birth I was often struck by the dichotomy of how lucky I was to have this most perfect lovely baby and how unlucky I had been getting him here.
I really wanted to ‘glow’ while pregnant, I really wanted to dress in beautiful bump defining dresses and smile from morning until night in the pure joy of bringing life into the world. Instead, I spent most of the day hiding in my car so that I could sleep without the judging eyes of coworkers. When I wasn’t sleeping I was eating, or rather, carbo-loading. The only thing that could slightly quell the nausea was glutenous chewy bread, and sometimes cheese. In fact when I asked my doctor how I could feel better while pregnant his only recommendation was to eat less cheese. Which was both aggravating and dismissive..but also obviously true.
Having a generally very positive mental outlook and solid support system, I never considered how damaging this experience was. It wasn’t until my son turned one years old and I went back to work that feelings of self doubt began to creep in. I was lucky enough to escape postpartum depression, but any small misstep tapped into this well of self-loathing I carried with me from my pregnancies. I didn’t figure this all out myself of course, it took time and a caring supportive therapist. Turns out, my silly brain was connecting suffering with failure and that left little room for sympathy and self care.
I write this article because there are (sometimes small, sometimes all-encomapssing) moments of suffering within all our lives, but each little fallen Cheerio on the floor can add up to a big mess if we don’t take steps to clean it up. Reach out, speak up and get help! (Even if you are totally normal, and just fine).
Witten by Marion
Marion is a content creator who started one of the first Mommy YouTube channel about being a Jewish mom. On her MyJewishMommyLife channel (www.YouTube.com/MyJewishMommyLife) and Instagram page she shares her experiences as a mother to her baby boy, focused on living a meaning-FULL Jewish family life.
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Women talking unashamedly about their mental health and parenting innit.