I WAS SEXUALLY ABUSED
I have written this in my head a hundred times over but to write it down tell my story is so much harder. I have fought hard to be where I am now.
There were days when it overwhelmed me so much that I sometimes thought I wouldn’t see tomorrow.
I was sexually abused from the age of six by my father. My childhood was spent surviving from one day to the next. I would regularly run away from school. Almost certainly looking back now it was me hoping someone would ask if I was ok. I managed to leave home at fifteen and became pregnant at seventeen.
This was my escape. Little did I know it was to become the beginning of my mental health hell
I cannot recall the birth of my baby and my level of dissociation was at its highest. Doctors trying to examine me, clinical smells, bright lights, these were not my friends. I came home with my baby and the feeling that hit me was one of protection. I needed to protect her from everyone and everything.
My second child was born sixteen months later and I pretended that everything was ok. I was just tired physically and mentally, but that’s normal isn’t it!! I told myself it would get better as time went on. But by then the panic attacks had started. The nightmares kept coming and my anxiety was over whelming. I knew I had to speak to someone.
One particular day my health visitor was coming to see me. The day began with me making sure the house was spotless, my babies were bathed, clean clothes, everything that I thought was 'normal'. It was exhausting trying to keep up the pretence. That day it all came out I managed to get the words out “I was sexually abused’ and from that day at the age of 19 my long journey to recovery began.
If you are reading this and you are a survivor please talk to someone you trust and get the help you so much deserve.
I have four children and although I have trouble remembering their births I absolutely love being a mum. The shame is not yours, it belongs to them.