10 THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A GREEK MUM
10 THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A GREEK MUM
1. I AM NOT HUNGRY. You do not ever utter these words. EVER! We know what you need. Even if you say you are not hungry our Greek gut instinct tells us you are hungry. It is an anathema to utter these words in a Greek persons home. Listen babe I will feed you, your mother, your dog and your postman. I am that mother always with food/snacks/all manner of kids contraband about my person. Yeah roll up I can take you all on.
2. I AM NOT GREEK. Listen there are 2 types of people in the world those who are Greek and those who WISH they were Greek. My husband is an English boy or "Englezo" as my aunts call him. He has now been assimilated by Hellenic osmosis into the Big Fat Greek mould. They are convinced that now he has "become" a Greek, especially due to the fact he eats all the meat. A Greek mother will feed you, hug you, kiss you until you become Greek.
3. IS THAT A HAIR ON YOUR CHIN? Yes yes it is. We are hairy! Deal with it. Our hairs have got hairs on them. Chewbacca aint got nuthin on us. (Hang on a minute I am sure he is Greek too right?) Listen we got hairs comin out of our ears! (Literally) In fact when we are hangry we actually produce even more hair!!! It's like an protective evolutionary thing to keep non-Greeks out. (And our husbands when we don't feel like "doing it" thanks). I am a Greek mono-browed mother plucker! Deal with it.
4. I AM IN LOVE WITH YOUR SON. No. No you are not. Every Greek mother knows that the one true love of a Greek boys life is his mother. Greek mothers tolerate their sons wives/amours but the truth is they wish they could marry them themselves. They dream of living with their sons forever in a pure monastic kind of setting where they can drip feed them kebabs forever. If I do accept you as my daughter-in-law I will expect you to cut my toenails and deal with my piles - washing and buttcrack variety.
5. IS THAT DIRT ON YOUR FLOOR/ DRESS/TOILET SEAT You don't EVER need to say this, think it or breathe it. You hear me? There is no dirt in my yard babe! I don't placidly wipes germs away from my kitchen surface like the English telly ad moms. NO! I go apeshit crazy and pour hot water and undiluted bleach all over the shop whilst munching on a chicken leg. There is no mark, no germ, nada in my home and about my person. OKAY! Us Greek moms are cleaner than Snow White we are cleaner than God's Angels you hear? Hang on a minute I am sure God himself is Greek.
6. I AM A VEGETARIAN. Yeah well not in my house you aint. What about a bit of chicken then? Thats not really meat right? Thats like eating a cucumber. Doesnt count. Here eat my macaroni then its only got a tiny bit of pork in it that wont count right? My mum is a member of the MEAT MAFIA CLUB. I had a brief stint as a veggie in my 20s and she nearly disowned me. "Oh the shame!!!" "Why you no eat meat? You die and be bones you eatty just the carrots" So don't bother you are fighting a losing Battle. Kebab?
7. CAN YOU QUIETEN DOWN. Die non-Greek fiend die! Greek moms don't do quiet. Every tiny parenting issue becomes a melodrama, its just what us Greeks do. A scraped knee = imminent death. A lost school jumper = imminent death. We dont do normal, steady or calm. I call my parenting style reactionary with a peppering of hysteria. I can't be calm its not possible. I'M GREEK.
8. YOUR DAUGHTER/SON/DOG LOOKS LIKE THEIR DAD. No. You are mistaken because the force is strong with this Greek Mom right here! I married an English boy thinking that the hairiness/ meatiness/ craziness would be watered down in my offspring. I should be so lucky; I think there was a Big Fat Greek Mother genetic mutation of sorts coz what we actually produced are 3 virile spartacans on acid. So no if you are a Greek mom everyone in your family looks like YOU. You bred them and YOU fed them!
9. ARE YOU ITALIAN/PORTUGUESE/ SPANISH/LEBANESE. Look at my nose love.
10. YOU ARE TURNING INTO YOUR MOTHER. No comment.
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