FUN IN THE SUN? YOU NEED TO TELL MY DEPRESSION THAT.
Everywhere you look, watch, listen, read or consume information - the message is clear - the sun is out and that means you should be too. Unfortunately my depression wasn't on the contacts list when the summer memo was released so..."suns out, mums not"- Hasn't really got the same ring to it...
Is anyone else struggling? At first I kept blaming my insecurities "I hate my arms", "I don't want to get my legs out", "my thighs rub together", "my fringe sticks to my head" and I even convinced myself that I had S.A.D (seasonal affective disorder), but the opposite to what 'normal' people suffer with in the winter months. I was a unique case, no other explanation for it. Then I remembered that I am not special and that if 1 in 4 of us are dealing with depression and anxiety and the chances were high that I was feeling depressed. Damn I forgot.
That is the thing with depression, she's always there, she doesn't have a bloody Filofax, she doesn't care about the rain, wind, sleet or sun, she cares about sleep and keeping you exactly where she wants you - YOU feeling sad, worried and here comes her mate anxiety. Hiya! Whilst managing depression and anxiety with therapy, drugs, writing, talking and self care I actually sometimes forget I have it. After all mental ill health is not a broken leg. I can still walk around. I can move, but it's really hard to explain to someone who doesn't suffer, that just because the sun is out does not mean that you will be and it definitely doesn't mean you are suddenly cured and feel 'happy'.
As soon as the 'h' word is mentioned my depression just yells "nope". I feel an intense pressure all the time to be happy and I feel like my job in life is to chase my happiness, to try and make myself happy so when you tell me "the sun will cheer me up" forgive me when I tell you to go F*&K yourself?"
So is the sunshine a catch 22? Am I sad because I am not out in it? Or sad because I don't want to be in it, but everyone else does? If everyone else is doing it shouldn't I? Why am I so odd? Why am I not like everyone else? etc.
I don't know what the answer is, but to anyone else who isn't enjoying the sunshine please remember it's just weather. Summer is what you make it, what makes you happy and the same goes with Spring, Autumn and Winter. It is days, weeks and months where you get to decide what it is that you really want to do. So stay inside, get outside, touch some grass, paddle in the sea, watch TV, play Lego, colour with your kid/s, build a den, take snacks and enjoy your summer.
Written by Natasha Bailie
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