I'M A MENTAL MUTHA AND I QUITE LIKE IT

I'M A MENTAL MUTHA AND I QUITE LIKE IT

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I'M A MENTAL MUTHA AND I QUITE LIKE IT

Okay, so here's my take on being mental. And I solemnly swear that I, Angie Jones, am a mental mutha. And y'know what? I quite like it.

I used to suffer with crippling anxiety. It was honestly like the shittest.thing.EVER. Everywhere I went - there it was. Everywhere I didn't go-OH there it was. I thought I was deeply and irreparably broken. My logic would argue that the way I was feeling was completely irrational, and yet here I was getting a tit sweat on at the check out at Sainsbury's, all because I was worried the cashier might try and speak to me. Yep, what a mental mother eh?!

My son, Michael, was 1 at the time, and I just remember feeling like I couldn't cope, and I convinced myself that feeling like that must mean I didn't love my baby, and following that I convinced myself I was a bad mother. And to fail as a mother, well, that was like failing as a woman. I quite literally was sick of myself. How could I, this strung out girl who was afraid of cashiers, be fit and capable to raise this precious little bundle. My Michael was too good for me and he deserved better. So I continued on my downward spiral, which was kind of like those things you see at arcades, where you place a coin in and it rolls around forever before plopping through the hole at the middle, except I was like the sly 5p who wasn't supposed to really be there which would head straight for the hole.

I just remember thinking, "Fuck, I'm never gonna feel normal again?" So, what did I do? Well, I had a few batches of CBT, which was wonderful, and I started to gain some techniques to manage myself. I tried to catch myself ruminating, and I really started to gain insight into ME. And you know what I realised? I'm a really sensitive person. My heart is massive. I'm not mental; the fucking world is! My anxiety is like an antennae sniffing things out, people and places and situations and yeh, sometimes it's over the top, but it's because I'm actually a really nice person, in a cold, unforgiving world surrounded by humans who tell you to suck it up. Well I don't anymore, I'm emotionally incontinent. And I'm proud. And my son, he's 14 now. And he's so insightful too, and so caring and so sensitive, and we talk about things, about how the world doesn't work, and how things make us feel, and we are ON TO IT. He knows when I'm having "one of those days" and he tells me, that I feel like that because I'm kind. Im nice. I care. And if that's how my son sees me, I've obviously done okay thus far.
We're all mental. Don't judge people because they sin differently to you. We all have our little ways of coping. The world is a bloody crazy place! And if you already suffer with anixiety and then you have a child, of course you are gonna feel it x2. Because the thought of getting motherhood wrong? Unforgivable right? Well let me tell you this, the very fact that you wreck your head with questions of whether you are a good enough mum proves that you already are, because a mother who does'nt give a shit, wouldn't be asking herself those questions.
So yeh, I'm mental, but rather than look at it as I'm "off my head" I like to see it as I'm "in my head", I'm learning to understand me. I'm mental, and I'm really getting the hang of it.

Written by Angie Jones

@dexters_trail


If you'd like to read more conversations with Mental Muthas, click HERE.

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